sadbones.

Yesterday I found out that I didn't get the job I had applied and interviewed for 2 weeks ago. I knew I wasn't going to get it, cause you just know when you have that feeling in your gut that it didn't go as well as you would've liked it to. But it's still a disappointment when you go through all that trouble for "nothing," right? Well, the way I see it, it wasn't nothing, since it was definitely the first step in getting my feet back in the water of this whole job searching/applying/interviewing process, but it still kinda stings either way.

I'm just so unmotivated at work. My productivity level and work ethic are shot, and I don't know how to get out of this funk. This rejection should be the kick in the butt I need to really start hardcore job applying, but I don't even know if it will be. I've got people around me cheering me on, but I'm just so tired. Though, I attribute the tiredness to my lack of coffee/caffeine, which I am giving up for Lent. Day 1, barely down. 39 more days to go. Yippeeeeeee.

Current Music: Death Cab for Cutie - Marching Bands of Manhattan. The title of my blog is also taken from another great Death Cab song, but I do think Marching Bands is my favorite song from them. And believe me, picking a fave song from their catalog is no easy feat. I just love: Sorrow drips into your heart through a pinhole/Just like a faucet that leaks and there is comfort in the sound

V-Day.

This is my boyfriend Danny. After spending a many Valentine's Days with my wifey and girlfriends, this year I got to spend it with that cutie in Philly. It was.. perfect. It was our first overnight trip, and considering we haven't been dating that long, I thought I was going to be nervous, but surprisingly enough, we've become so comfortable with each other that it was seriously the best day/weekend/trip ever. I'm obviously not gonna write about the details of our trip here, cause I'm not gonna be *that* girl. However, I will say this. The reason why this was the best V-Day ever wasn't because the hotel we stayed at was amazing, or we had delicious food, or even that I spent 30+ hours with a boy I heart. It is because I'm with a boy who makes me feel like this is how every single girl in the world should be treated, and he makes me feel that way everyday. So.. as cliche as this holiday is, I hope everyone got to spend it with the ones they love! Sweet, sweet, sweet. <3

hello.

So. At the urging of my super good friend Suah, I am gonna start writing in this little thing again. It's been almost 2 years since I abandoned this personal blog for my other, more mass-friendly one, but I think writing about my feelings and such (to the readership of 2) will be therapeutic for me. I am, if nothing, an articulate writer. Eh, sometimes (not even..). In person, however, I'm the least articulate person ever, especially when I get flustered. God, I am the worst talker, and I don't know how a college-educated person such as myself can sound so dumb sometimes. Which I'm not, I swear!

Anyhoos. This post is just to get my feet back in the water. Will write about V-day and my love life (!) later.

Current Music: John Mayer - Slow Dancing in a Burning Room. I listen to this song once a day, practically. Ironically, all of this recent hoopla surrounding his controversial Rolling Stone interview only made me reach for this song again. The guy may be the douchiest, but as long as he keeps writing songs like this, I will tolerate him.

Out with the old, in with the new.

So it's already been 1 year since I started this blog. My entries have been random and far in between, something I'm not proud of. I am proud of my work on Life in Boxes though, so there's that silver lining.

I just re-read my very first entry, which talks about my New Year's Resolutions for 2007. Looking back on it, I think 07 was quite an interesting year. I got my first real-world job, I started 2 blogs, I started running (and liking it), I had a lot of fun, I got my heart broken (kinda), and I re-discovered how kick-ass my friends are. A couple of things bogged me down in December, but for all the positives that happened in the year, I'm ready to look at the new year with a new perspective.

For 2008, I vow to:
* reach my target weight loss goal
* have a new job, new career
* log in 624 miles of running (I knocked out 3 today, so 621 more to go)
* run a 5K
* encourage/make everyone I know and who are eligible to to go out and VOTE.
* go on at least 1 international trip (LONDON), at least 1 continental trip
* work on my screenplay and/or short story
* continue writing in this blog as well as in Life in Boxes

All seems do-able. We will see. I love the fresh start of a New Year.

An Open Letter

Dear Britney,

I am one of your biggest fans. Back in the late 90s/early 2000s when you were at the height of your career, it was incredibly easy to be your fan. Look at how cute you used to be, how catchy and fun your songs were. I remember going to your Dream within a Dream tour, being excited to see you despite the fact that you were barely the size of my pinky from the crappy seats we were sitting in.

These days, not so much. I've long learned that to be your fan, you have to take the negatives with the positives, the ups with the downs. So imagine how excited I was when you, the day after appearing on Letterman looking radiant and fit last November, announced your divorce from K-Fed. Here was finally hope that your days of quickie marriages, babies, barefoot in public bathrooms, NO underwear!, and countless other things that caused your once diehard fans SCREAMING from your world, were long gone.

But of course you followed that with what was worse to come yet, your whirlwind of a meltdown- complete with a stint in rehab, partying with Paris, firing/hiring staff, fighting with your family, and of course going apeshit and shaving off your hair.

Just when all hope seemed lost, you released a new single that is, surprisingly, not bad. Is it Baby One More Time/Toxic good? No. But it's hella better than what I thought you would put out. It started to build buzz. Then came news that you would be the opening performance of at the MTV Video Music Awards. A hot new single AND what should be a hot performance?? You are an artist who is known for your killer performances. And of course the VMAs have always been good to you, providing you with a platform to unleash your magic on stage. While there are countless arguments about your lackluster voice and lip synching tendencies, no one can deny your ability to put on a show. The school girl uniform for the Baby One More Time performance. The Madonna makeout for the Like a Virgin performance. And my FAVE, the huge python for the I'm a Slave 4 U performance.

It should have been the COMEBACK OF THE CENTURY. Instead what we got was a stiff performance where you looked bored, off, and not like yourself. Your dancers were gyrating and dancing their hearts out. You were in the middle of it all, not giving even half of that energy. I wanted to stop watching but I couldn't, hoping that you'd throw something big in. But no, it ended just the way it started, and it is probably one of the least memorable, least inspired, least exciting performance I've seen ever. And it's too bad, cause as the show went on your younger, more popular counterparts- Rihanna, Chris Brown, and your peer artists- JT, Kanye, Alicia, put on fun performances. At your best, you could've blown all of them away. But what happened tonight is anyone's guess. Maybe you were nervous. It almost looked like you couldn't move very well, maybe you were hurt. Maybe you were high/drunk. But you weren't you on that stage and that makes me sadder than any craptastic thing you have done in the last 2+ years.

Even I have grown tired of your recent antics and inability to get your head out of the distorted cloud you're in. I can't begin to count how many times I have defended you, your actions, and your mistakes. But it's getting really hard to stand by you and keep waiting for that one redeeming single, album, performance. Everyday is another ridiculous headline (most of which are true rather than not, it seems) or another ridiculous photo opp in which you happily, obligingly invite the paparazzi into your twisted world.

There is a reason why you became a star. There is a reason why you have fans (me included). You have that quality. Why you and other young celebrities deliberately choose to throw away opportunites to showcase your talent for what- drugs, parties, reckless living- is completely beyond me. Wake up. You are not going to be young forever and I know someday you are going to regret not taking your career more seriously. Is that someday going to be when all your fans have left, and you're left with nothing but the past? We're not going to wait forever. I'm tired of hoping that you're going to get your act together. Right now I'm so disappointed that you botched the greatest boost your fast-falling career could have gotten. I'm not blindly defending you anymore. You've had more than enough chances. What happens next is up to you. Get your act together, throw away your pride, work with people who can help bring your career back, STOP giving the tabloids endless things to talk about. You owe it to your kids, to all the naysayers, and most of all, the fans who have made you into the star that you are.



Waiting,
A Still Hopeful (but not for long) Fan.

money money money!

I have that stupid song from the Apprentice stuck in my head. You know, the one that goes, 'money money monaay!' with the shot of his royal highness Trump and his minions walking towards the camera. Anyone?

Anyways, it's been like a month since I wrote anything. Which is a shame cause I said I wasn't going to do that, so let's plunge right back in, shall we?? Um, so this is what I have been thinking a LOT about these days. You know my problem before I was employed was that I wasn't making any money, and now my problem as a working girl is that I am not making enough money. I mean, I don't pay rent and I really don't pay for other basic necessities so I am saving a lot of moolah, but I also can't help but compare myself to my friends and peers who are currently, or will be in the future, making a lot. It's not like money is the most important thing in the world, and I'd hands down choose loving my job and what I do over making oodles of moola any day. Seriously. But like money gets you stuff and as non-materialistic or shallow as one can try to be, there's no denying that it is important in this over-materialistic and consumeralistic (is that a word??) world. I think right now it's ok cause a lot of my friends are still just starting out in the real world and finishing up school and stuff, but what's going to happen when we're all very much in the working world? As much as my pay will be increasing over time, it won't be this exponential growth. I feel like I'm going to have to work twice as long to get something or somewhere, and when you're around friends who will automatically be making a lot more than you're making at the same time, it's just not going to be fun. I really hate being negative about things, and generally I'm not a Debbie Downer despite all of my complaining about everything under the sun, but I think about the future and sometimes I worry. No money, mo problems. Sorry Biggie, but that's my outlook.

It's been a really beautiful couple of days, as the weather in the tri-state area finally hit 60s and up. I love this time of the year, as the days get longer and the warm weather rolls in, you can feel life on every corner. The trees are in full bloom, people are everywhere, the scent of nature hangs in the air. As I was enjoying this nice change of pace I couldn't help but reflect on the events that happened one week ago today. It just seemed especially sad to me that there are people who have been stripped of their lives and their bright futures in a senseless act that has rocked the nation forever. The 32 victims of the Virginia Tech shootings will never see another season change, never feel the warm sun on their faces, never realize the potential that was ahead of them.

For me (and probably for most Korean-Americans/Asians), the case especially hits home. It was inevitable that as soon as the killer was revealed to be Korean, the media would be all over the race card. And of course, the backlash began, with Koreans/Asians fearing for their safety and everyone publicly decrying the acts of Seung-Hui Cho. I understand, and have felt, the anger and confusion and even embarrassment over the fact that something as horrible as this, the worst campus shooting in US history to be exact, was committed by someone who looks like us. But the thing is, as long as this mass murderer wasn't white, there was no way anyone would have escaped the intense scrutiny of racial background in conjunction with the person himself. But what makes me angry about the entire thing is how very few seem to acknowledge just how American Cho was despite not being a full-on citizen. This is a prime example of nature vs. nurture, and how a lonely, withdrawn, unstable person was driven to commit the most unspeakable act as a result of an uncaring and judgmental society and as a result of a lack of resources to help deal with issues regarding mental health.

If this sounds like I'm defending Cho and his heinous actions, I'm not. He ruthlessly shot down 32 people in an act that he had been planning for months. He compared himself to a martyr and likened himself to Jesus Christ. He will be punished for what he did. But there is also no clear-cut villain here. Cho was the product of a society that rejected him and the people who ignored him and cast him off as weird. He grew up in a country where it is ridiculously easy to get a hold of guns, citizen or not, mentally stable or not. It's so easy to just write him off as a person who went mental and planned a massacre, but it's not as easy to see the deep seeded issues that allowed Cho to do what he did.

Of course gun control is a foremost issue here. We need stricter laws, but the only real way to drastically lower the number of people dying in gun violence is to get rid of them, period. That's easier said than done, but it can be done, just ask Britain and Canada, countries that have seen gun violence significantly drop by banning them. But the issue that is most pressing is the one of mental health. Cho was a deeply troubled person and there were warning signs everywhere. There's no use in anyone feeling guilt over what he did because there's no way of turning back time. But things have got to change to ensure more resources on college campuses for people to feel safe. We have to get rid of the still exisiting taboo against mental illness, which is very real and very prevalent in many people's lives. This especially holds true for Asians and Koreans in general, where issues of mental health is still something that is considered taboo. If there is anything us Koreans and us Americans learn from this tragedy, it is to open up a dialogue about how real and gripping mental illness is, and brainstrom and implement things we can do as communities to help those who suffer. It's so easy to write off outcasts as weirdos or whatever, but things are never going to change if we keep not caring. The system failed Cho repeatedly. He was able to squeak on by with minimal tarnish on his official records despite trips to mental hospitals and appearances in courts. It shouldn't have happened, but it did. We have to fix it. We owe that much to the people who have paid with their lives.