Sunday, February 4, 2007

a tribute.

A little part of me died yesterday, when I found out that my beloved, beloved grandfather passed away at the ripe old age of 88. It would be an understatement to say that I loved him; he was a huge part of my life for so long, and I am nothing but utterly grateful to him for his love. It kills me to think how this wonderful man passed on so unexpectedly, alone, and in pain. And this minor post on an internet blog doesn't really do any justice to one of my favorite people in the world, but I just needed to gather my reeling emotions down and articulate some of the love I feel for him.

My grandpa was my best friend for a really long time. He came to the States when I was born to help take care of me, and I saw more of him than my own parents, who were busy working, for a good part of my childhood. His big physical build and stern manner might have been slightly intimidating to some, but to me, he was always this really sweet, really gentle giant who truly loved me unconditionally. Even when he went back to Korea after I became old enough to be home alone, I like to believe that we had a bond that transcended miles of distance. It was always so uplifiting to talk to him on the phone, as he had only the kindest things to say, and was encouraging in every way.

I finally got a chance to see him for the first time in a long time when I spent months in Korea back in 2005. It struck me just how old he had gotten; he was no longer this big, seemingly invincible man. The effects of time certainly showed on him, from the deepened wrinkles on his face to his slowed down movements to his much thinner body. Honestly, we didn't have tons to talk about (there's only so much a man in his late 80s and a woman in her young 20s can really relate to for hours on end), but being with him and next to him was the greatest feeling ever. Of course the thought that this might be the last time I'd see him was always present in my mind, but I was holding out on the hope that he'd live well into his 90s, and maybe even come visit us in the States. If I had known then that that would be the last time I'd ever see him, I would have hugged him harder, I would have taken more pictures of/with him (I have so little pictures of him from my Korea trip), I would have thanked him for everything he'd done for me, and I certainly wouldn't have wasted time not being with him when I could.

The last time I talked to him was a month ago, and he sounded better than he had in a long time. Perhaps that's why his death came as such a shock to me. He was loving as usual, and completely encouraging about my non-job situation (though he did say I should go to grad school instead); never did I think that that was the last time I'd ever hear his perfect voice again. And now I can't stop thinking about him, and his life, and his death, and how as I am writing this he is being buried in his hometown, and how I just want to be able to rewind time to when he was healthy and alive.

It hurts so much. In all my years of experiencing deaths (not that many, thank goodness) and broken relationships/friendships, I don't think I've ever truly known what a broken heart feels like until this. The world looks a bit less brighter and my life feels a bit less full. My heart is broken. And while I know that the pain will subside and I will get over it, life is still never going to be the same. I will never forget the events of Saturday, from the utter devastation and panic in my aunt's voice as she broke the news to me to the look on my mom's face when I had to in turn break the news to her. I will always see him in the small and big things- whoppers from Burger King (his favorite), dentures (I found his toothless grin, when he had taken them out for the night, so endearing), peanut butter (a staple in his ham-egg-cheese-lettuce-tomato-mayo breakfasdt sandwiches), bald old men, and of course, other grandfather-grandchild relationships.

I wish he has seen me land my first post-college job. I wish he had had the chance to come to the States again, as he had wanted to do for a long time. The first thing I would have done would have been to take him to Burger King. I wish he had seen his two youngest children get married. I wish, I wish, I wish. I can't continue to wish for things that are obviously not going to happen, but I also can't help it right now in my state of mind. And I know he wasn't a perfect man, as he was prone to angry outbursts and being terribly hard on people around him, but none of that matters. I never had any of that directed towards me. I know I really did have a special place in his heart. He truly believed that I could do anything. And I am going to make sure his belief in me wasn't for nothing. I am the little girl he loved, and I will be the woman he believed I could be.

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